girl, I couldn't get much higher...

...unless this long, strange journey to the Night puts me in the Invisible Bobo Boat. There are 2 things in my soul, Day & Night. Before the night falls, I want to do as much work as possible on "Einstein Sex-Play Hyper-Light", which is the new title for my attempts to resurrect what Ted has killed. "Movement & Repose" (the original title) was a good story, until Ted attempted to apply romance formulas, & wrote a really crappy ending.

Since I've become a little manic now, I'm taking advantage of the innate altered state to do a re-make/re-model while my mood is still Roxy. I'm also trying hard not to blow up at Ted. We've been friends for several years now, so I want to break it to him gently that he's wrecked a perfectly good story. I'll run it thru Critters once more, probably do an MPC so I can have the story on Stan's desk soon -- but not this mediocre romance bullshit. Hell, instead of saving the sex for the end, I'm beginning with it.

I began to implement my changes Monday, when upon reading the story & being really distressed by it, I reread it once more & went thru it, erasing a lot of the junk that didn't belong in there. I halted at the new ending, as it'd been well researched, in spite of the fact that the characters acted totally unbelievably. I'm going to move it up to an earlier point in the story, but am not sure yet how many sex scenes will be required. Yoshi gets bare & does it in the end.

Yesterday, I called Car-girl about it, then took a bath as soon as Trish was at work. I was barely out of the tub when she called back, had to pull on my sweater & put on some socks. After that, I began work in earnest, only stopping long enough to have a balogna sandwich & a can of sketti-o's before once more to change the story from nightmare to dream.

Then Car-girl called, offering to take me out to Pizza Hut to talk about it, as I seemed distressed. I halted work, ran over to Albertson's for some milk, dishwasher soap, & a few other things, then swung by the drugstore for Trish's Nasonex. I'd really only just came home when Car-girl arrived in the batmobile.

Trish got off around 3:00, & we decided to visit the new Wally-World, just beyond Kame-Apart. We bought a bunch of groceries for only 12 bucks, so today I'm buying Trish her popcorn shrimp at Albertson's, as I have left over food money. Our food stamps are also going up to $60, due to cost of living increases.

Today I plan to do some more cutting-&-pasting on "Einstein Sex-Play Hyper-Light", especially adding more sex. Ted wanted to save the sex for the end, as that's romance "formula". I do not follow "rules for writing" that come out of books like Romance for Dummies. Although I respect Ted's romance writing & think that it's good that he has an editor at Bantam interested, my stories are about sex-play & not romance.

In the heat of anger, I forge something superior. My dreams will live again. I go now to awaken Trish & fix breakfast. Once she's at Pizza Hut: typewriter torment.

blue Monday

Monday couldn't have been worse. First thing, I finally read Ted's re-make/re-model of "Movement & Repose," & was shocked at how badly he'd messed it up, trying to apply romance formulas. I'm not going to jeopardize a friendship by telling him that he ruined the thing, I'm simply doing a revision without telling him exactly which way I'm going to go.

The crits aren't all in yet, but I'm forging ahead, anyway. We got one this morning, from a Phyllis Somebody, who liked the story, save for the ending. I've asked her if she thinks I need to reinstate the original plot, but that's just so I can tell Ted (hopefully) that the vote against him is unaminous.

Ted's version was 11,000 words. I've pared that down to 8,800. I want to take out at least 800 more words, then build the story back up again. This time, the story begins with sex.

After Trish had returned from work, Karen called: the ambulance bill is $1,100, & Medicaid might not pay. I'm seriously thinking of suing the doctor who put me on that ambulance.

I didn't feel like cooking, so we ate over at El Taco Loco, where they've jacked their prices sky-high, due to the hike in the minimum wage.

President Bush is all for President!

resubbing w/o romance

My first order of business for today is to actually read Ted's revision of "Movement & Repose". I sent it in to Critters as I'd received it from him; I certainly wouldn't send it in to Analog as he sent it to me. I tried to tell him that I thought a formula taken from Romance for Dummies wouldn't work for Analog, but he insisted on moving the love scene to the end, where it seems sort of implausible. First order of business is to copy-&-paste it into the opening, & add whatever R-rated elements are necessary to make it look like one of my own stories.

My first order of business for today, once I'm done with shopping & maybe a Crazy Taco, will be to read Ted's Critters submission. I wanted to hold out until all the crits were in, but I find myself continually asking Critters if I should reinstate the original plot. So far, everyone says yes. If I do read Ted's story, I'll have a better idea of how in particular to go about apologizing for it.

Once I've edited & rewritten some of my web pages, I'll start revisions in earnest. I'd like to have this on Stan's desk as soon as possible, which may mean doing an MPC.

Even though I think Ted made some positive changes in the story, I also feel that he may have made a real mess out of it with his romance formulas.

I do not write to formula. That is my greatest weakness & my greatest strength.

typical yesterday

The only item that really separated Saturday from any other day was the nap I took, while Trish rode the taxi to work. I'd awakened at 3:12 AM, & decided to take another temazepam -- however, I'd fallen back asleep, so it was actually 4:20 when I took the pill. I got up around 5:00, surfed the darkened seas, & fixed Trish French toast for breakfast.

Then I crashed until 11:00. I started using the computer again, & only had a peanut butter sandwich until I finished bumblebeegirl.html, up to the point where the obsession with Buffy began.

After that, I went to Albertson's & picked up $21 worth of groceries. I fixed tuna noodle casserole for supper, a dish I haven't made for years. Trish did some cleaning in the kitchen, followed by an episode of Battlestar Galactica.

Then we made out on the bean bag chair. I took a Viagra, but it seems just as difficult to have an orgasm as before.

Ted & I got 2 more crits this morning. Everyone seems to agree that saving the sex for the end was a mistake. It's going back to the beginning, with a lot of flashbacks to establish a history between the 2. The opening also needs a stronger hook. It sounds like the story will require another trip thru Critters.

budget & behavior

Karen called us to do budget around noon yesterday. We went to the buffet at the Invisible Chinese restaurant. Since we had too much money in the bank, especially our trips account, we had to take some out -- we can go to Elko any time, though without fear & loathing.

On the way home -- much colder than the day before & becoming increasingly colder as the afternoon passed -- we stopped at the barbershop & I had all my little curlicues lopped off.

After that we went to McLean's, where Trish bought a Playboy 'cause it has #6 in it. I'd planned to drop a Viagra, look at the pics, & ultimately have sex with Trish. However, she got me out of the mood pretty fast. First, she wanted to take all her money out of the bank & spend it -- I had her call Karen on that one -- then "my mother made me paranoid; she's trying to control me" just because she'd told Trish on the phone that she had to see the doctor & to call back Sunday.

We watched Blondie until suppertime, & had been planning to go out for a crazy taco, but she broke down in tears, so I told her that we weren't going to the restaurant until she'd calmed down. We ate at home instead: soup & sandwiches, not much more necessary after that buffet.

Trish wanted to watch Battlestar Galactica, but I fell asleep in the chair -- again. I woke up early, took another temazepam, & wrote back to the one Critter asking what's to do about the changes in MR vs. my original.

I'm Cranky Bear. I do not know if this is from the Abilify (& fuck Scientology, anyway) or a manic symptom. Whatever the case, I insulted a Critter over a nit -- he'd assumed the "dark energy sails" were "solar sails". I tried a polite apology, but all he did was send back page after page of bombastic insults, so I screwed up bad.

At least my cold seems to finally be abating.

still sick/Stellar

In spite of the Z-pak, my cold/flu lingers. I did get out of the house yesterday, though. First, I went to the Soup Kitchen with Trish -- she made a wonderful breakfast of muffins.

Then I took my computer in to Stellar, so Vinnie could put in a memory upgrade with the $50 Jerome sent me for X-mas.

I watched Trish's Britney Spears DVD while she was out with Car-girl.

We ordered out a pizza, then watched Battlestar Galactica until bedtime.

W.C. Leadbeater meets Muhammad Boxer

This has been done before, albeit in The Mind-Warp Era, where the boxer is a ninja in Chinatown. Yes, I really did used to live next door to the Greatest -- until insanity took Reality away from me. My next main phase of my writing will be to re-make/re-model my Ali website, with the intent of adding a link to my book.

Since I've had the flu for the last week, I've been unable to finish even my Bumble Bee Girl page. I'm still feeling sick, even after a near-full course use of antibiotics.

Also, MR is up for review at Critters this week. Some idiot sent in an NC nit about "solar sails"; I informed him that he didn't know dick, then had to apologize to him for expressing the awful feeling that this bozo just doesn't know how to read English.

Trish is fixing me muffins this morning.

last nite's Philip K. Fantasy (wishful Crystal)

Still feeling the effects of the flu, I did very little yesterday other than watch movies. I did Full Throttle one last time. Keith interrupted somewhere towards the end of it. Of course, as a purist (then why does he watch full screen?) he'll only watch the original, but hey, the remakes are OK.

I ate a salad & the rest of the leftover spaghetti for lunch. After that I stuck on Disc 2 of Return of the King. Long movie, & the TV zonked out again. Trish wants to use her tax return to buy a new one. I keep deferring my decision, but I feel, since we have a bigger one -- to big to fit in the entertainment center up here -- down in the basement, we can use it. We don't currently have cable downstairs, but it's been connected before, & it'd be a lot cheaper to pay for an extension cable than the 100s required for a new machine. Plus it makes sense to wait until the LCD TVs come down in price, rather than spending a lot on something that'll be obsolete in a couple years. & with my failing vision, listening to music makes more sense than continuously "watching" things for entertainment.

So once the chores had been finished, I took 2 Viagra & felt a Soft Machine for a point of intersection. Philip K. Fantasy clouded my fragile eggshell mind. I don't know why these thoughts continue to bother me. All K. Fantasy, fantasy of a dildo (wishful Crystal), should remain in the past.

Guilt.

Pain.

Desire.

Terminal addict of the orgasm-death, I no longer dwell in the collective unconscious. I've become the Id-thing of my own creation. It must end.

Trish's own response was extremely positive. Mr. Friendly gave her another moment of bliss, which assuages my guilt over the Fantasy. I will Dye for my Beautiful Bumble Bee Girl, like Jesus laughing from the tree.

another warm Monday with a cold

The title about sums it up. As usual, I woke up around 5:00, in spite of 3 temazepam -- it seems I always get up at 5:00, no matter how many I take. I did the Internet-thing -- a little less obsessed with HOT or NOT; today all I did there was to write a note to Linda about the eye surgery/fiasco-thing.

I fixed the last of the sausage & Albertson's store brand pancake mix for Trish's breakfast. Then I called Dr. Boes' office, for the follow-up to the detached-retina thing. They said 4:15, Karen say, "no"; a few minutes later called back with an appointment right here in the City of Invisible. (God, Colleen is dumb. She thought "City of Night" was a "mistake". I don't care that she was shacking up with some bad writing professor. People without high school diplomas shouldn't presume to be literary critics.)

I also called the Clinic about my cold, which has lasted all week. Dr. Nolan was out until next week, but after talking to a couple nurses, I got a Z-pac & some pills, for congestion. I picked them up around noon, when I had a ham sandwich.

I spent much of the afternoon watching the special features on Charlie's Angels #2. Trish got a ride home with Say Bra, so we could go to the bank to cash our checks. Karen caught up with us on the way -- I thought that it was some asshole trying to run us over -- & wrote Trish a check for groceries. We also took out $100 to put on our water bill: Trish had left the faucets running full blast to "keep the pipes from freezing up", so we had a $63 bill. The remainder is credit for next month.

Karen dropped me off at home, leaving Trish to walk home with $35 worth of groceries. Trish cooked supper -- she has to take care of her sweet Pookie Bear when he's sick, even if it is just rewarming leftover sketti. She did some dishes, then we watched our tape we'd made the night before of Battlestar Galactica. When it finished, we watched Episode #3 on HBO.

We still have to address the K. Fantasy with Perky Pam. I know Kim will seduce me, if she keeps coming over while Trish is at work, so the quicker we tell her to go away, the better. I just don't want to devastate her with an acute rejection, whereas Charlene Upstairs thinks "you're ruining my marriage" might mean to her, "if I can just ruin their marriage, I can have Jim." So we'd better have it figured out pretty soon.

Today, I'm taking more time out from writing, in order to try to overcome this damn cold. I left off with a piece about Trish, lustrous lady of a private cosmos. I'd never leave her for another girl.

there & back again.

Saturday afternoon to the same time next day -- it was a grueling ordeal that took me halfway across the state & back, & left me no better off than before.

Seeing as how I'm resuming work on _Noc-Lar_, which I'm trying to sell as sword-&-sorcery, simply for convenience of packaging, & no longer being able to read print, I put on Trish's old Conan the Barbarian movie.

I noticed a small hole in my vision, in the upper, lefthand corner of my vision, just before the top, blind part of my vision begins. I called the ER, thinking that my retina may've started to come detached once again. They said to come right in, that it couldn't wait until Monday. Fred managed to drive us up there, with a snowstorm coming in from the west.

The ER doctor phoned Dr. Beardsley, the local yokel eye doctor, who simply said, "I'm not qualified." (Because of my rare form of glaucoma.) "Because of his history -- 11 eye surgeries -- you're best off sending him to Great Falls."

--Yeah, but I've got no way to get there -- & what am I supposed to do about getting back?

--We'll figure that out when you get there.

--But can't Dr. Beardsley give me an indirect ophthalmic exam, to rule out the possibility of retinal detachment?

--No.

So they stuck me on the ambulance, after I ate some roast beast that the kitchen brought down.

When we arrived in the City of Electric Light, after waiting half an hour, I saw the ophthalmologist on-call. He declared it "retinal traction", saying that a portion of my retina's sliding around, causing me to see colored sparkles, but "the retina's frozen in place from the surgery, & I wonder why Dr. Beardsley didn't do this [indirect ophthalmic] himself?" He simply told me, "Come back & see Dr. Boes in a week or 2."

So I was stranded in Great Falls with nowhere to stay, & no way to return home; none of my medicine, either, for that matter.

We finally got a hold of Karen, my case manager, who put a room in a nearby motel on her credit card. I woke up at 2:12, because I didn't have any of my medicine, & napped off-&-on for the rest of the night.

Jeff "Eldritch" Palmer, a friend of mine in Great Falls, agreed to take me home, in exchange for gas money. The roads were clear up to Big Sandy, then they became worse. We finally got home around 11:00.

I'll be making an appointment with Dr. Boes this morning. I'll try to make it a day that Trish has off. I'll try to let everybody know what's happening then.

Jim

the daze is bright, & filled with pain

I'm still sick. If this's a cold, it should be better by now; if something more, I have to wait until Monday to have some antibiotics phoned in.

It almost seems worse than yesterday. Trish had her appointment with Charlene then, & she agrees: the dildo must go.

I ate a sandwich & some soup for lunch. Like today, I don't feel up to going to the soup kitchen.

Trish mostly just tried to take care of me yesterday. She even cooked some sketti.

Her chore last nite was to clean Ula-tek's cage, however, it busted when we tried to reassemble it, so Friendly Fred wired it back together. Beyond Battlestar Galactica, I slept well, until 7:00. This's 'cause I'm sick, though.

All I'm doing today is watching movies.

Until tomorrow, it's just some other time.

miserable cold

The cold that I've had for the last couple of days is continuing, Vadis & unabated, making it difficult for me to trash Vadis' reputation on the web, the same way she trashed mine.

It wasn't entirely her fault. The coed fraternity that she lived in kept me away from "all of [their] women" because I was naive enough to believe that a vorkle-ball jock could be at all sympathetic to a mental illness -- all the phallic androgyne wanted was to believe she was the greatest lady vorkler of all time. Meanwhile Alfalfa High spread vicious rumors about me.

So I'm finally setting the record straight. I've been working on a page about Vadis, while meanwhile working on my page about Muhammad Ali (he's like the only DJ you can hear after 3:00), to include a link to my book.

But with this terrible head cold, work has been nearly impossible. Trish fetched me some Sinutab & sugar-free cough drops from Western Drug; wants me to get antibiotics -- Trish always wants more & more meds, but at least she's not like the skinny dog who ruined my brother's life & runs to the health food store for echinasea -- which a massive study has already proved is totally worthless (to which she would say, "They may say that, but really...). I think she probably thinks Tom Cruise is something other than an utter asshole. Fuck Scientology!

Trish had her mammogram yesterday. She ate lunch at the hospital cafeteria, while I had a sandwich or something: I've lost my appetite. I then went to bed & napped until Trish returned home, early, as they had no one before her.

Car-girl opted out of doing TA, 'cause of my illness, but went ahead & took Trish shopping & mall-walking. I trusted Trish with 20 buckadingdongs, & she actually came home with something other than junk food. We both fixed supper together. We watched a couple TV shows, then Trish wanted to read Bouncing Off the Moon, so I went to bed & waited for her. Even with 3 temazepam, I'm waking up around 4:00-5:00 AM. Today I got up around 6:00, but lay in bed for at least an hour.

Trish has her appointment with Charlene Upstairs today. They'll be discussing the K. Fantasy & Bridget. I'm staying home &'ll probably take a nap while she's gone.

She does have to buy new bedding for the hamster. Ula-tek may rapidly degenerate into Smelly Bear if we don't clean his cage.

early morning (Mr. Mojo) risin'

Yesterday, being sick with a cold, I slept from 8:30 PM to 7:30 AM. I fixed some more of that deer sausage for breakfast, as well as 4 giant pancakes. I love to see my Bumble Bee Girl go off to work with a big breakfast, as unless she can grab something off the buffet line, she often has no lunch until 3:00-4:00.

I spent most of my time yesterday goofing off, as I felt too ucky to really do much of anything. I surfed the darkened seas for awhile -- after that marriage proposal, I'm leery of chat rooms -- then watched disk #1 of The Return of the King boxed set.

Trish actually cooked last night: b-b-q chicken, & heating some pork-&-beans, & carrots, in the microwave. After that we watched TV until 9:00, when I retired.

I woke up at 4:00, stayed in bed until 5:00. Right now I'm listening to a medley of Doors/Moody Blues on the changer.

I may surf cyberspace for awhile, but as I said, you sometimes meet weird people that way. At least I was able to send Joey a page off of CNN.com about how President Gas' wiretapping program has ended with compliance with the law. In spite of the fact that he probably suspects Joey of being a "terrorist" 'cause she sent my wife a necklace.

Only thing is, it might not get thru. China is really cracking down on news from the west, as one article said a year ago.

The west is the best. (Unless you're Biggie the Blanket & Karen Relationships.)

cold daze have found us

...cold daze has tracked us down...

Starting the other day, I felt the first of the symptoms, eventually called the pharmacy, to see if there was something I could take that wouldn't interact with my meds. Trish left shortly thereafter, but had to bring her driver's license, as Sudaphed is now a controlled substance. However, they can't refill my Abilify yet, mostly, I suspect, because it costs so much.

Trish fixed supper last nite, which was very kind of her, even if it was just macaroni & cheese. We watched some TV for awhile, then I crashed at 8:30, after taking 3 temazepam. I woke up at 3:44, took some more cold medicine, then got up around 7:00 AM. This time, I overcooked the sausage, but the pancakes were sort of OK.

I went online for awhile & said hi to Jean on ICQ. Linda never answered my last message. I wonder if she's mad at me. Anyway, I'm taking the day off from writing & chat rooms. Yesterday I had a long conversation with Debbie on Yahoo Messenger, which I think helped her, but she's not online right now.

I plan to just kick back in the Captain's chair for the rest of the day. If the disc player stops -- all Moody Blues & Doors -- I'll put on some movie.

Trish sees Charlene Upstairs Friday. I hope she can help. Both of us are being Cranky Bear.

cold w/o meds

I developed a cold, starting yesterday or the day before. I'm going to have to ask the pharmacist about this, but I don't think there's anything OTC I can take, without interactions with my medications, & fuck Scientology & the Scooby Club, I won't stop taking them.

I've left most of my friendships -- if they ever were even any of that -- with AA people by the wayside. Jeffer Auss is the only one I still socialize with, & I don't need Narcoholics Numinous, anyway: I quit on my own. Besides, pot is good for me, I have glaucoma, though I haven't smoked any of the stuff in years.

When I got off the computer yesterday, I went to do some laundry, thought I smelled gas. Trish couldn't recognize the smell, beyond mustiness. So, Trish had planned to invite him over for a 3rd opinion. He feels it's simply the heater burning dust.

Before Trish came home, I worked on vadis.html & bumblebeegirl.html; one, a story of an unhealthy obsession that never should've begun, that the day Vadis Cothran walked thru the gym class door, I should'nt've fell in love at first sight; the other of a true, mad, deep relationship that now has both of us Leery over Kimothy: she's no longer welcome here, as she really hurt our relationship badly.

Other than that, I spent about an hour chatting with someone in a chat room. This was harmless, but the other day, some woman in Nigeria sent me a marriage proposal, so I've decided to cut back on that. I specifically state in my profile that I'm married & just looking for pen-pals -- can't these people read?

Beyond all that, I watched a lot of the all-day marathon of Battlestar Galactica, except for the time I spent fixing fish & chips. Trish went over to the dollar store downtown to pick up bread, then blew a lot of her money on Chai tea & latte mix at the record store, which is no doubt over-priced.

I took 3 temazepam last night, & slept until 6:00 this morning. Trish is sleeping until 7:30, as I'm fixing deer breakfast sausage & French toast for breakfast -- the meat came from the food bank -- so she's "paranoid" that it'll take too long to fix & she'll be late for work.

I wish Lucy would've responded to the last 2 emails I sent her. Laura Lemm quit reading in anger, after I lashed out at her (wrongly); Lucy probably can't sympathize with some of the issues I brought to her attention: the Kim-thing; it's been fixed, anyway, the woman is simply not allowed in anymore.

I think I'm schizophrenic again -- my punctuation has become bizarre, & I can't control it. I hope it doesn't affect my writing today.

cold w/o meds

I developed a cold, starting yesterday or the day before. I'm going to have to ask the pharmacist about this, but I don't think there's anything OTC I can take, without interactions with my medications, & fuck Scientology & the Scooby Club, I won't stop taking them.

I've left most of my friendships -- if they ever were even any of that -- with AA people by the wayside. Jeffer Auss is the only one I still socialize with, & I don't need Narcoholics Numinous, anyway: I quit on my own. Besides, pot is good for me, I have glaucoma, though I haven't smoked any of the stuff in years.

When I got off the computer yesterday, I went to do some laundry, thought I smelled gas. Trish couldn't recognize the smell, beyond mustiness. So, Trish had planned to invite him over for a 3rd opinion. He feels it's simply the heater burning dust.

Before Trish came home, I worked on vadis.html & bumblebeegirl.html; one, a story of an unhealthy obsession that never should've begun, that the day Vadis Cothran walked thru the gym class door, I should'nt've fell in love at first sight; the other of a true, mad, deep relationship that now has both of us Leery over Kimothy: she's no longer welcome here, as she really hurt our relationship badly.

Other than that, I spent about an hour chatting with someone in a chat room. This was harmless, but the other day, some woman in Nigeria sent me a marriage proposal, so I've decided to cut back on that. I specifically state in my profile that I'm married & just looking for pen-pals -- can't these people read?

Beyond all that, I watched a lot of the all-day marathon of Battlestar Galactica, except for the time I spent fixing fish & chips. Trish went over to the dollar store downtown to pick up bread, then blew a lot of her money on Chai tea & latte mix at the record store, which is no doubt over-priced.

I took 3 temazepam last night, & slept until 6:00 this morning. Trish is sleeping until 7:30, as I'm fixing deer breakfast sausage & French toast for breakfast -- the meat came from the food bank -- so she's "paranoid" that it'll take too long to fix & she'll be late for work.

I wish Lucy would've responded to the last 2 emails I sent her. Laura Lemm quit reading in anger, after I lashed out at her (wrongly); Lucy probably can't sympathize with some of the issues I brought to her attention: the Kim-thing; it's been fixed, anyway, the woman is simply not allowed in anymore.

I think I'm schizophrenic again -- my punctuation has become bizarre, & I can't control it. I hope it doesn't affect my writing today.

can't sleep 'cause my mind's on fire...

..don't touch me, I'm a real live wire, as the 2 librarians sang in The Mind-Warp Era. Look for further enhancements in the Kool of that era in my page, "Reality is the Greatest," where I knew fear & loathing.

Reworking that page will be one of the next steps in using my site to self-promote my novel. I've been working on this project for a couple weeks now, though I must soon return my attention to SF&F. "Movement & Repose" is scheduled to percolate to the top of the queue in Critters soon.

I'll work on it some this morning, before Trish gets up. I woke up at 3:00 something, got out of bed at 4:40. This is really too little sleep. I think I'm manic again, will have to take 3 temazepam tonite.

HOT or NOT has become ridiculous. Now I'm getting marriage proposals from women in Nigeria, while I clearly state that I'm married in my profile. Apart from Linda, very little good has come out of the site, & I'm unsure as to what I should do about it. Yesterday, I wasted all my time in it, & other chat rooms, until noon, when I finally went back to work on my Vadis & Bumble Bee Girl pages. Trish came home around 4:00. I fixed her a sandwich, then baked some b-b-q chicken for supper.

Hope called back. She's in pain from an old skiing accident, but at least she's sleeping.

I'll nap some more this afternoon, or perhaps even when I'm done with this post.

return of the dread Cranky Bear(s)

Last night, Trish really turned into the dread Cranky Bear. 'Cause of Bridget (the lazy gossip who won't do the dishes), Trish stayed an extra 1/2-3/4 of an hour. Perhaps the stress is too great for her. In any case, she came home tired, around 4:00.

I offered to fix her a sandwich, but she declined. We sat around until 5:15, when she chopped up some ham & I mixed it with baked beans. Nuked it for 15 minutes; it was real atomic.

Trish decided to spend 1/2 of an hour cleaning the bathroom. I asked if I could turn on the TV, found Ultraviolet just beginning on Starz.

I missed the entire first act, 'cause, after finishing the bathroom, then tackling a few dishes, she came out of the kitchen & started to lecture me on "watching portion sizes" & in general calling me fat, while she insists on buying junk food every time I give her grocery money.

Eventually, she took a time-out, to go down in the basement & read. Apparently, she'd decided that she'd read for a hobby now, but it's something I can't share; I'm legally blind.

I think the K. Fantasy is a large part of it. I also think Becky's house-warming party may be another factor. She'd been invited, but turned it down, 'cause all they do is get thoroughly descoobied on Mountain Fresh beer (or whatever) & it doesn't mix with our meds. Matter of fact, I worked a Scooby Higher Power with my meds.

Eventually, Trish returned from her sanctuary down in the basement, & we watched some show, now I forget what. Couldn't've been that interesting.

I woke up before 5:00 again this morning. If this keeps happening, I'll take the PRN 3rd pill for a night. I'm not missing the sleep, though. I may be hypomanic. The heightened sexuality may be reflected in my obsession with HOT or NOT. I deleted someone who turned out to be 18 -- I misjudged her age & she shouldn't've clicked Yes, if she turned around & hated it. Also, I'm getting a lot of ladies who want LTRs. I've told all of them I have a wife when I reply. The K. Fantasy sufficiently disrupted our marriage to the point that I don't need online love letters from women in foreign countries.

I'm still thinking about bio-esthetics. Have to get a hold of Wimsatt sometime. It may launch a whole new scientific discipline, if I can make it work. I don't know. I'll have to think about it some more.

our love will never die...

...deliver me from reasons why, the streets of Phoenix (enthralled) will never die.

But first, a word from yesterday. It seems all my blogs begin with "yesterday". I write them in the morning, unlike the never-ending journal on the edge of time which Little Loathsome Lonnie & NORML Bean (both characters in The Mind-Warp Era, ) read when I left my door unlocked -- Nobodaddy at the U of Nite locks their dorm room doors -- & found out that I'd been molested & spread the rumor far & wide, because I exasperated Vadis. (Coming soon: vadis.html on my home page.)

Yesterday was bitter cold, & a day to relax. We sat around drinking Scooby-Dew all morning, skipped the soup kitchen, then eventually cleaned Ula-tek's cage.

Trish asked Fred for a lift to the post office, when she could've just waited for Car-girl. While they were gone, I took a bath, then played Blue Sunday a couple times on the keyboard.

We ordered out a veggie lover's, stuffed crust pizza, which is now being discounted 50% to employees. After Trish's shower, while I surfed Hot or Not, & she cleaned the frying pan for today's breakfast, we watched the original mini-series of Battlestar Galactica.

So this morning, I checked the Hot or Not site out again: L. Fantasy had left me a letter. This was good: she respects my relationship. While on the site, I checked out the online chat feature. Robin started to send messages, I protested that I had to read sciencenews.org, she deleted me. Then, while I once more searched images, someone who wanted an LTR hit me up. I informed her that we could be pen-pals, but not lovers. Trish's reaction to K. Fantasy has made me wary of women who demand this. I sent her a note explaining why.

Dr. Gnosis & the orgasm-death

We had a lot of things to take care of yesterday, in spite of the extremely cold weather. I mean, sub-zero most of the day.

We had to get over to Iron Claw House by 10:00, so I could see Joe. I had Cheri talk to Trish 'cause she had a problem with Bridget again at work. Bridget has been complaining that Trish "isn't doing her job" 'cause "she had help". They decided that maybe Trish could stay at work longer, rather than rushing home to see her sweet Pookie Bear. + PMS turned her into Cranky Bear sometimes.

As soon as I left Joe's office, I went downstairs, to a near-empty Layout. Karen picked us up there, & we went out to the 4B's for breakfast at lunchtime. She gave us $40 in spending cash (+ I needed to renew my Norton), then took us to IGA to shop.

When we arrived at the house, Trish watched her Britney Spears thing, while I napped. The night before I'd awakened at 3:00 AM, couldn't return to sleep, & finally got out of bed around 1/4 to 5:00. I didn't fall completely to sleep, but I did rest some.

Car-girl picked us both up, to see Dr. Gnosis at the Invisible Clinic. Tra-la! for the Mystery Cults!

Nothing's wrong with me. Chest X-ray showed no problems with either my heart or lungs. Could be a stomach problem; antacids might be in order.

He did give us more free samples of Viagra. After supper -- fish & chps with the asparagus the food bank gave us -- we decided to check out the little purple pill, to transcend the cosmicomic origins of the Slime-thing's Purple Root. So we started out by watching a strip-vid, when Jeffer Auss rang the doorbell.

I don't know why he did this. When we got the new midranges for the old Rectilinear speakers, I'd asked him to put them in, but when I replied to his message on the answering machine, I'd specifically stated that he didn't need to do this; that Fred had already done it, & that it was too damn cold to go anywhere.

The ring frightened Trish. She thought Kim might have pushed the button. We tried to ignore it, but the ringing persisted. Finally, I just gave him the same excuse we give Kim: busy.

When the strip-vid ended, we watched the Erotic Ghost, as it'd been really arousing the first time around, like the K. Fantasy, the latter shattered by love, love of Trish & not toves that are becoming slithier.

Since it was so damn cold in the bedroom, we made out in the bean bag chair. After an unfortunate slime-off, we went to bed. I took 3 temazepam, & fell straight to sleep until 6:00. Tonight I take 2 again, & continue until the insomnia is once again out of control.

up all night again

Wish I could sleep. The nights are cold, & filled with pain: it's about -4 out there, & it's 5:00 AM. I woke up around 3:00, very cold, so I turned up Toastie Bear. A little red light perhaps indicated that the bedroom was too cold. Whatever the case, I finally got out of bed, though I'm not making coffee until 6:00.

Once I'm off the Internet, I'll work on vadis.html. Now it can be told! Vadis has lied to so many people for so many years, I must explain her perfidy to posterity.

If I can stay off Hot or Not. I'm wasting far too much time there.

Yesterday, Car-girl took me out to the Invisible Food Bank to pick up some incredible munchies. We arrived at approximately 10:15, 10:30; Wednesdays, according to the sign on the door, they're closed. I returned home, split my time between VADIS & Hot or Not, then went back around 1:00. It took a lot of paperwork, but we came home with a lot of good groceries.

For supper, we had leftover 'sketti, then Trish cleaned until we started watching TV.

I have an appointment with the doctor today. I have some free-floating aches in my chest. + we need more Viagra. The love-drug transcends the orgasm-death, & now that I'm married I no longer have to stake my spot in the singles bar.

Is VADIS Hot or Not?

I only did 2 things yesterday afternoon, following our French toast & Trish's ride to work: look at pics in Hot or Not & play around with vadis.html, which I intend to upload to my home page when it's done, as now the story can be told. The Vast Active Destructive Intelligence System from the planet Lucifer made me into her "enemy", & told vicious lies & slander about me. All this must be rectified. That's the reason for writing the story, but I keep being side-tracked with the Hot or Not site -- & why do I need to? I married a beautiful Bumble Bee Girl. I think it's mostly that I'm still insecure about my attractiveness. & it could be worse. It could be porn -- which Trish actually lets me view, as long as no cybersex.

I'd made up some tuna sandwiches for lunch. When she came home, I fixed Trish one, & we had some carrots & celery sticks. She started cleaning -- she trusts me to do the laundry now, but is "paranoid" of the dryer -- while I listened to my newly-repaired Rectilinear XII loudspeakers. I also chatted a little with Jean, a Chinese woman I met on ICQ chat. Then we watched Battlestar Galactica, but I fell asleep in my chair, woke up when the show was ending. Even though I took 3 sleeping pills, I woke up at 5:00 this morning, perhaps because I napped the night before.

return of the orgasm-death?

I finally have my old Rectilinear speakers fixed up, with a 5" Dayton Audio full-range replacing the extremely cheap Radio Shack thing I'd bought so many years ago. Fred came by in the afternoon to help. It mostly involved unscrewing the drivers, clipping off the old wires, then connecting the new driver. The magnet, weighing 20 oz., was so huge we almost couldn't fit them in the holes. The sound quality is a lot better now, with the flat midrange response.

I started a load of laundry while Fred was working on the speakers. Part of Trish's paranoia is that I'll start a fire if I use the dryer (though I was using it before she moved in), so we agreed that I'd start a load at 2:30 every day, until we're caught up.

Then we called the pharmacy about the orgasm-drug. Kelsey said that Dr. Nolan had phoned Viagra in, but it's not covered by Medicare or Medicaid; it's 12 buckadingdongs a pill; 120 for the bottle. Trish decided we could buy one, so we scraped together some cash, & talked trash in bed until I shot some warm, liquid goo.

The K. Fantasy will be best ended, I believe, if I sail the darkened seas in a great big submarine, so I can re-imprint on Trish. In the long run, the best strategy would be to eliminate the Risperdal, or substitute something for it; to use Abilify alone -- which I may not be able to afford, if I sell a novel & subsequently get booted off of disability. I must do this, though, it's part of who I am.

Vast Active Destructive Intelligent Systems

Trish & I have both recovered pretty well from the fight we had last week, when the Viagra gave me so much pleasure one night, then none as the orgasm-death recurred from a K. Fantasy, something we both got into, what was & should never have been. We had a heart-to-heart conversation about it the other night, though it emerged in garbled schizo-word salad when I wrote it down the other day.

I think Jeanette read this blog, or my home page, & decided I was a little insane -- though she's supposedly a psychiatric nurse -- then rejected me for it. She's this black BBW I met on the Hot or Not website, something I've wasted an "inordinate" amount of time building up what is largely a picture collection, mostly, I think, to prove to myself that I'm still attractive. Like cybersex, it's a fairly "safe" form of fantasy, because I'm probably never really meet these people.

So when Trish left for work, I went online in order to check my email -- Lucy in the Ogdoad with Diamonds never wrote back; maybe she's angry at me -- & then wasted most of my working day running keyword searches on Hot or Not.

I think I did this because VADIS frightens me. I've begun a new web page about the basketball player I turned into an obsession, with the title, "Now It Can Be Told". (Very Vonnegutsy.) Vadis frightens me so bad that, when I tracked down her phone number & talked to her husband (whom she's most likely divorced) I went thru such a powerful manic upsurge that I had to check into the Hotel Gonzo for 2-3 days, & get a 10 mg. shot of haldol, twice the usual dose, & needed a sleeping pill on top of it. Only the Leery-ness I've experienced with Kimothy has ever equaled it, & that yielded the outline to Machine Messiah.

So I started to fool around with the HTML editor on OpenOffice, but couldn't figure out how to change the text color. I made it up to Jocelynn, then quit for the day.

Trish came home, all excited (manic?) over possibly getting Super Bowl Sunday off, then turned into Cranky Bear when she found I'd spilled some soup in the microwave. We talked for awhile, straightened the issue out.

I fixed fish sticks, baked potatoes, & green beans for supper. I watched Barb Wire afterwards, mostly for Pamela Anderson's tits, then afterwards a Christmas (at this time of year?) show on Encore, then an episode of Battlestar Galactica. What else? It's the new Buffy. We discussed the issue, who is sexier, Sharon or #6?

I woke up around 5:00 again, in spite of 3 temazepam. I think I may be a little manic. The schizophrenia seems to be easing up, though.

The Return of Philip K. Fantasy, or How I Learned to Love My Dick

OK, so we all know Philip K. Dick is the world's greatest dead science fiction author, even though he's actually not a science fiction author, he writes fantasy with science fiction props.

Life is like a Philip K. Dick novel, which is why I wrote The Mind-Warp Era, which begins with the Invisible High & continues that way, with W.C. "Lead" Leadbeater constantly stoned on weed or obsessing over VADIS, a Jung lust that destroyed his life.

Like Lead, my life has been affected by the Vast Active Destructive Intelligence System from the planet Lucifer. Her friends tried to cut me off from all women by spreading lies & rumors about me, sicced the Bozo King on me, trying to deliberately inflict psychological harm on me when I dropped acid, & in turn made a pariah of the pot head, Bulldog.

This is why Trish is so important to me. She loves me. I love her, but the side-effects of the medicine that's returning me to sanity keep me from enjoying sex with her. With anyone.

Which is why my doctor gave me the free samples of Viagra. The first time I had a wonderful experience, but it got ruined by the K. Fantasy, & in spite of the Viagra, my dick wouldn't respond 'cause, the first night I fantasized heavily about Kimothy, but the next night that made Trish Leery.

Last night, once Trish had returned from work, we discussed Fantasy, & she decided to allow it, as long as it's not limited to Kimothy. Next time, it'll be Plush Suzette, perhaps even VADIS, the one actual chance I had before Rachel ruined it. She sat in her dorm room with the bay windows, babbling about VADIS' Niceness (& O'listlessness) until, as the Horlots & Alfalfa High both wanted, I didn't pursue her. Then an acid midnight ruined Rachel, but the foxy streetwalker resurrected me from the dead with her mouth When Rachel's boyfriend, Frank L. Ferry delivered word of the hatred of the Horlots, I told him what I told Muhammad Ali: "At heart, I am Muslim. At heart I am an American artist, & I have no guilt".

Yet Kimothy induced guilt, moments of abandon that threatened to disunite the Rootboy from his wife, & shortly thereafter a visit by the K. Fantasy, though I told the deaf, dumb, & blonde girl, "busy" & shut the door on her; she's ruining our marriage. This just exacerbated Trish's anxiety, not to mention my schizophrenia & mania.

Forbiding, not just the K. Fantasy, but all fantasy, prevented the Viagra in my blood & the blood in my dick from working, but Trish & I have worked out our issues & decided to repeat the experience once the doctor phones some more Viagra in.

Kim is a dildo in my mind, & there will be multiple dildos until I can be taken off Risperdal -- do I have the Abilify to carry on? Hell yes, even though I can't sleep at night. I woke up at 2:00, 4:00, & shortly after 5:00, got out of bed around 5:20. I sleep better when I take the 3 temazepam, but I mostly do that after several sleepless nights.

With the psychological problems worked out about OD, ED should also shortly disappear. As Rabbitfuck put it, "Fantasy! Fantasy! Fantasy! He's probably in there right now, having his nervous breakdown & writing to VADIS about it!" Some crush on a phallic androgyne shouldn't have elicited such Jung lust; it was the biggest mistake of my life. As NORML Bean put it at Roxy Salmon's party, "This year, the Space Fairy's into drugs". Fuck him & fuck all that, from "we're never going to let him sleep with any of our women" (who are possessions like cattle), I went into a psychedelic joyride on Broadway, where the Lamb lay down; I saw the resurrection in a stained glass window & my guilt destroyed.

This Rachel I do not need. Or VADIS. Or Kimothy. I have my Fantasy girl now, & things are working out all right. I love my Bumble Bee Girl, lustrous lady from a sacred world.

To change the subject slightly, yesterday I read a Crittes story on Word97 by using copy-&-paste & symbolic commands to restructure the manuscript in order to make it readable. The down side is that for some reason, Outlook Express put each paragraph into a single, long line. I hope I helped the guy. The story was so-so, but perhaps it's an example of what to avoid.

I finally turned the computer off around 1/4 to 3:00. Trish called shortly thereafter. Fred came over a bit later to fix the doorbell. Trish & I relaxed to the rhythm of rhyming guitars (as Bryan Ferry put it), discussing the K. Fantasy & how it affects my dick, a compromise was reached, & now we're ready to see if it works as well another time, with all fantasy no longer forbidden, but Kim nonetheless gone bi-bi.

At last.

the death of K. Fantasy, filioque & fancy

First, VADIS existed, an obsession with the phallic androgyne when I met her in a gym class -- which in the aftermath left me hating bowling; I won't even try -- then, I overcame the lady vorkler & all obsession (being condemned for it caused me to leave Treatment) for the deluxe & delightful Bumble Bee Girl. Everything developed into perfection in the first 3 months, followed by endless exacerbations of anger, so I asked her to leave.

Love reunited us, but haldol entered the equation when I went up to the ER one evening. With it came ED. I thought the side-effects would go away once Perky Pam stopped shooting OD into my veins, so now when the Risperdal is in my blood & the blood is in my head then I'm still impotent.

So with all the sexual side-effects I hope will bring back the creativity of U-boat, my doctor prescribed Viagra. The first night, full of K. Fantasy, I'd never experienced so much ardor in years. But the next night, Trish became jealous, forbade all fantasy. Her anger spoils the mood, even when it's not about a deaf, dumb & blonde girly-girl (so far removed from VADIS & you wanna? to marriage). Last night I tried to think about the time VADIS actually came to Hunter S. Thompson House looking for me; how all the hatred inflicted by Alfalfa High would've ended; that I never would've had Bozo with the bottle after me, as fast as he could run; that the Horlot hatred that followed would've been aborted for Bulldog. Next, I tried to ascertain in mental images what might've happened had the hooker I met on my acid high actually spent the night with me. We need The Thrill of it All.

My problem is that she took away all Fantasy, not just this dildo I kind of kicked out of the house. Her mood has been so angry & bitter, Viagra or no Viagra, I find the orgasm-death of the neuraleptic remains. Until we're both healed, until I can go off Risperdal -- fuck all Scientologists who'll take this as support for their religion -- there will be an orgasm-death.

Boy shoot white stuff? A couple of times now, but it's largely been thru digital sex, which still leaves my woman feeling that she's not worthwhile.

It's not the K. Fantasy; she's a dildo, & not really a very good one, anyway, Butterfly Girl or otherwise. It's that I'm restricted from things that are naughty but normal -- though Trish herself likes to fantasize about movie stars & Britney's boobs, things that don't really turn me on.

The main thing about sexual fantasies, shared or private, is that you never act it out. We made a mistake with K. This kind of thing will never happen again, yet even though Trish went to confession over it, anger, guilt, hatred, jealousy roil thru her head at this woman who is impossibly bad at giving head & who we have both decreed will never be allowed in the house again -- it's just that I need to have the original mood repaired. No adultery, bi-bi bad girl, don't come around here no more.

Marriages made in heaven can survive in this life. Untold Fantasy now, & there will be magic once more.

another flashing chance at bliss...

Thursday had a bittersweet flavor to it: we got Trish out from under Toastie Bear to a breakfast of corn flakes, then walked over to Iron Claw House, in order to see Joe.

We had to wait until 10:00 to see my therapist, 'cause they were holding a teleconference in his office; Kathy Upstairs had promised when we made the appointment that he might be out earlier.

We had to discuss the K. Fantasy that no filioque has. Joe told Trish that the simplest way to deal with the situation is for us to simply say, "You're hurting our relationship. Please go away & don't come back". Then the subject of pornos came up. Trish complained that the lesbian sex in the one we watched first time with Viagra had reminded her of Kim (who is a dildo), so we needed new ones. I replied that it shouldn't be necessary for me to pretend Trish's body is someone else's body to be turned on, so then she escalated about the pornos.

& then we had to split because we had no time to waste. Trish had an appointment for a heart sonogram, & it went boom-lacka-lacka, which is some Kool drumming.

We ate at the hospital cafeteria. I had a chicken taquito, whatever that is, tater tots & fruit. + a yogurt. Mine was vanilla; hers, raspberry.

So Car-girl picked us up for TA. We went out to the mall, in order to pick up some pliers at the dollar store, in case we needed to fix the wires on Ula-tek's water bottle again. I spent the rest of the $10 on food After that, we went to the restaurant in the mall to split a plate of appetizers. We discussed the K. Fantasy, though I didn't volunteer the name of the vixen-foxen, more vixen than foxen.

While Trish worked out at Curves, I watched Catwoman. When my wife returned, we decided to spend some pizza bucks on a thin crust Canadian bacon pizza -- Car-girl had lectured her about diet, after I'd complained about Trish always wanting to buy snack food.

The nurse had called, saying it's OK for me to double up on the Viagra. But she forbade me to watch pornos; Erotic Ghost the first time had produced a 2 hour erection. Instead, we watched Battlestar Galactica.

I took my Viagra at 8:00, along with my Artane & Alphagen. The box says "30-60 minutes to take effect". Awhile before the show ended, I felt all kinds of rushing buzzings, like the acid Roxy Music that had caused me to run out on the Nite streets to seek solace in a crimson-rimmed mouth, psychedelic furs, for the crucifiction Alfalfa High inflicted on me, made of me a pariah. Loneliest of all; the next day, the loneliness of the All in a stained glass window, & still Rachel & the Horlots hated me, Bulldog forgotten.

The stuff didn't work as well as I'd hoped, caught up in the loss of a forbidden fantasy, even of the only time Vadis ever really cared. The orgasm-death. But at least Trish turned me on in her own right. Next time, we'll start sooner. Maybe even as soon as I take the pills. It had sort of worn off by the time we exasperated the Vast, Active, Living Intelligence System.

The whole thing with Kim threatned to turn me manic. After awakening at 5:00 AM for the last several mornings, I took 3 temazepam last night, & slept in until 7:00.

I go now to wake the mighty Insect Slayer. May the peace of Yog-Soggoth be with you

exacerbations of K. Fantasy (Dick-less wonder)

Wednesday I stayed home from the Layout --ugh! bowling; Vadisadism, to work on Painless, Part 2 of the never-ending journal on the edge of time. I included a link to this blog, as here I chronical the ongoing story of Rootboy.

Before I started the story (a true story of Savage Dread), & before Trish's traditional taxi-grab, I phoned Spectrum about the firewall. He said that it could take anywhere from $25 to $100 to fix. $25 I can afford; $100, no way. + we still have to pay the plumber bill.

The guy did say, though, that there isn't much danger in running the computer without the firewall if you're on dial-up. This was a relief for me, but in particular ended a lot of Trish's anxiety. The poor girl has been so distraught with feeling lousy in bed -- 'cause of the ED from Risperdal -- that until the issue with Viagra is resolved I don't want to add any extra stressors.

The same applies to me. First night out on Viagra, lots of K. Fantasy, just out of reach. 2nd night, Trish rejected all that, bye-bye, bi-bi. Then all of a sudden, K. Fantasy rang the doorbell, & it made me manic. Sleepless nights, in spite of the temazepam, even 3 of them. Acute exacerbations of VADIS: I thought of my prior obsession a lot last night, mostly the time that she came to visit while I was returning a library book, & she never tried again. Probably couldn't. Alfalfa High, you know. Then Rachel ridiculed me, the only person I'd ever mentioned Vadis to, & I couldn't try, after that. Then she wonders why the transference into the form of a letter, & has to get all "feminist" on me & hate me. I never would've developed paranoia, had this not happened.

Rachel is beyond Fantasy, save for Mindstorm. K. Fantasy is a different story. She has to invite herself over & flaunt toves now slithier with her weight gain. Like that one time she came by about a year ago, mania flared, only to be knocked down by haldol the next day. I did get an outline for Machine Messiah out of the acid speed-rush, though.

So I'd just uploaded Painless & sat back thinking of life's inner meaning & this dildo, Kim. Needing to relax, I put on Bring It On, mostly for the eye candy & the soundtrack. Trish took a shower while the movie played itself out.

We went to have my blood pressure measured; so far, so good. Then there followed a trip to the Buckadingdong Store for diverse sundries, including junk food. Although she's aware that she's gaining weight & wants to lose, she'll whine endlessly if she can't buy the stuff.

A stop at Creative Leisure yielded a no-porn situation, so after I fixed our chicken we watched Catwoman, which we did rent there, then attempted to achieve arousal thru a porno full of strippers, which we already had.

I think I need a higher dose. Although I'm now capable of cumming, something I went without for ages, it's still hard to get hard & stay hard. Today, I'll phone the doctor & see if I can up the dose.

So we have an appointment with Joe this morning, before we do the taxi-grab to the Invisible Hospital for Trish's heart sonogram. We plan to eat there, then have Car-girl give us a ride in the batmobile & drop Trish off at home, then have me do the TA thing with Car-girl.

Since Trish has today & tomorrow off, I won't be able to work on "Twin of Morlock", until she's back at work, save for the time she has her TA. Instead, we have all kinds of appointments today, but tomorrow, save for the blood pressure check, we can mostly just relax & have fun. Perhaps with 2 Viagra I can shoot 20 feet of jissem, too.

she got Chrismas party

The gay apparel of X-mas, Kimothy included, was blasted from our minds last night by the Pizza Hut X-mas party, which included food from Jack's Tacos.

Earlier in the day, after being once more frustrated by the FTP (painless), I took a bath, then headed out to the Layout. I talked a little about our relationship issues + the Viagra to Karen, & scheduled an appointment with Joe. I suppose we'll have to forget the whole K. Fantasy -- which was the point of taking Viagra.

Trish got a ride to the Layout with one of the drivers & got the taxi guy mad at her. We ate some tacos, made by Chef Boy-r-Bryan.

Afterwards, we came home with my new Dayton Audio full-range drivers, to replace the old one in the Rectilinear XIIs. The magnet is almost as big as the faceplate, so I hope Jeffer Auss can fit them in the hole. It looks like the overall diameter is about the same, so hopefully, it should work.

Say Bra picked us up in her van for the party around 8:00. Everybody bowled. I hate bowling 'cause I met VADIS in that gym class -- someone whose Alfalfa High destroyed my life.

We exchanged gifts. Trish got a bear (of course) from Say Bra, & some latte mix. I told Say Bra that Trish is under doctor's orders to cut back on the caffeine, so she laughed, a little descoobied, & said, "Which doctor, you?", then laughed & told Trish they could be mixed with milk or water.

Becky gave us a ride home. We went straight to bed, & I took 3 temazepam 'cause I'd awakened at 4:00 AM the night before. It's the Vadisystems generating Philip K. Fantasies that's doing it. I slept until one minute before the alarm went off.

Trish noticed an E on Toastie Bear. We waited 15 minutes to turn him back on. The problem turned out to be that the blanket had become unplugged.

I have to go & fix pancakes for my Bumble Bee Girl so she can go to work at the Invisible Pizza Hut, so it's bi-bi, diary.

K. Fantasy, no dilettante

No more Kimothy fantasies for this submarine Captain, now exiled & without a ship. I wish I had a U-boat so I could re-imprint on Trish & forget the K. Fantasy. The last time that I dropped Viagra, I fantasized heavily about she of the Noncorean boobs, & it bothered Trish -- no, drove her to paranoia.

She started to tell me her fantasies, I told her mine. Although I'd actually fantasized about Kim more heavily the night before, this time, the talk of invisible hooters seemed to frighten my wife.

I feel that, whatever turns you on, run with it & don't act it out. My problem is that Trish fantasizes about movie stars, while I tend to go with things that are possible, yet just out of reach, very Holy Grail. Movie stars do nothing for me.

I should've paid the fine on the book & slept with the damn Vadisystem. Just when she was finally growing up. Oh, well. There's Hope for me now.

Since Trish became so agitated & Leery, I finally confessed that Kimothy had come when she was at work, wanting sex, & that I'd refused, that Kim had cried & left awhile later.

Then yesterday, I edited my home page, adding a "buy my book" link. I had a frustrating experience right before I cooked my meat loaf TV dinner: when I tried to upload my index.htm file, it gave me an error message. After lunch, it worked OK. So I assumed my position in the Captain's chair & listened to the Tangerine Dream & Herbie & the Dreamers CDs in the changer. At 2:30 the doorbell rang.

Kim.

I said, "busy" in sign, just to get rid of her. I don't want her coming over because of all that transpired between the 3 of us. Trish feels the same way.

Trish called right around 2:45. It'd been a slow day. I told Trish that I'd once more kicked the woman out, but the K. Fantasy persists. The only reason I used it on top of the Viagra is that I still had difficulties with Mr. ED. Like I said, a real atomic submarine would blast me away from that, but without Clean Noncorean I don't know where to find any.

Trish wants us both to come in to see Charlene Upstairs about the dildo. Dr. Vicki said, "Kim is a dildo". Vibrato & vibrator, the semen-song.

I reheated the leftover casserole in the fry pan right around suppertime, One-chain Willy & the U-boat for the band singing, "Mr., clap your feet".

Trish did a little bit of laundry in the evening, while we watched Aerosmith. Keith called, to let me know his dad's still in the hospital, & that he'd inherited a big house from Bonnie's mom. Joe called, & we discussed computers (what else?), to the effect of, it should be possible to download & upload without switching off the firewall. He said Fearless Taco might be able to help, but the last time I called, he had to go somewhere -- he always has to go somewhere.

When the DVD finished, we watched a Hannah Montana marathon on Disney. A cute show, but definitely for kids.

Today, I have to get my blood pressure checked, as I'm off Cardura. Since it's so close to the Layout, I'll go there for lunch. There's absolutely nothing to do down there, but perhaps I'll be able to play Pyramid for a bit. I wish that there were other people down there who share my interests, even if it is only skiffy. I wish there was someone there I could have an intelligent, intellectual conversation with, instead of getting into endless arguments with Cheri.

Hopefully, Kim won't try to come over again today. Or soon. Trish just wouldn't be able to handle it. I can't, either.

She has coping skills. She'll get by until Friday.

dream girl in green shirt/boy shoot white stuff

New Year's Eve Trish & I spent a lazy day together. She had the day off; slept in until 9:00. I got up around 5:30 or before, in spite of the 3 temazepam I took the night before. Screw it. I've decided to just take 2, unless I have a couple of real bad nights.

For breakfast I had a bowl of corn flakes, topped with sugar substitute & cinnamon, a natural means of lowering blood sugar. Since Trish didn't wake up until 9:00, I snacked on a (pop's wicked) onion bagel, something stale from the soup kitchen, so I nuked it.

When Trish finally abandoned sleep for the world of the living -- or at least the awake -- we spent a lot of time drinking 1/2-caf, followed by 3/4 1/2-caf, 1/4 decaf. (Doc Larocque wants her to cut back on the caffeine, 'cause of her anxiety.) She stayed in her sweats most of the day.

We had TV dinners for lunch. I forget what Trish had. I had pepperoni pizza, corn, & fudge-ems. This is not a culinary experience I wish to repeat in the near future.

After lunch, Trish once again entered a near-manic housecleaning frenzy. When she finally finished we took our 3:00 meds, then walked over to Albertson's to pick up some orange juice; taco cheese, so Trish could make quesadillas; diet cherry Max (the only real alternative to Mr. Fruity); 2 bottles of Albertson's light pancake syrup (we can't afford the name brand stuff); & a gossip magazine in the checkout line, 'cause Trish had to check out Britney Spears' rack. The gay apparel of X-mas lingers with Britney, or you could really see she had no bra. Fast & bulbous.

Joe was in the line in front of us; he asked about Santa. I mentioned the Viagra. Last night I had my 2nd experience with the drug. I took it once we finished supper -- I reheated the tater tot casserole in vegetable oil; added some Zap-it! -- & watched the original Battlestar Galactica, followed by a porno-vid.

This time, it wasn't nearly as intense. The porno this time featured a "plot", a lot of dancers in thongs, & occassional soft-core sex, with only 1-2 lesbian scenes. I didn't find it nearly as arousing as The Erotic Ghost, the one we'd watched the night before, but Trish was getting sick of that one, anyway.

We finally moved it into the bedroom. I kept being distracted with fantasies. I shouldn't have to rely on K. Fantasy to make my Philip K. Fantasy shoot white stuff; that was my whole reason for checking out Viagra. Unlike the previous night, it didn't last 2 hours; also, unlike the previous night, I actually shot white stuff, the first time I've had a satisfying ejaculation in ages.

As we snuggled afterwards, I confessed to being Kimothy Leery. Trish understood: I'd told Kimothy bi-bi love, it hurt her, I had no choice -- & I wanted Trish to know I'd deliberately rejected the deaf, dumb & blonde girl for my beautiful Bumble Bee Girl.

Although I told Trish I'd like to check out Viagra again tonite, she asked me to wait until Wednesday. Thursday is her day off, so if I have a 2-hour erection again she can sleep in.

The only thing that remains for Trish's work week is Andy Morlock, a real atomic cult item that I intend to finally complete, now that I've found an old stash of Timothy Leary's envelopes: Nicotine Tim used to send me letters in envelopes that were actually entire sheets of hi-power blotter acid. Since I wrote the original on nutmeg, I want closure of Wendy's unresolved lesbian issues to cum from something psychedelic.

Once that's done, I intend to finish TC/MR for Analog, then return to work on Noc-Lar. I want to finally finish, submit, & have professionally published something before the night closes in: Jerry's just had more eye surgery, but didn't tell me; I found out from John that he'd sent a one-sentence email.

Starting tomorrow, I have to get my blood pressure checked every day. I had to stop Cardura for the aphrodisiac. may need something to take its place. I may return to Iron Claw House on a temporary basis, though I can do without Cheri. No one there shares my interests or intellect. Cheri just ridicules my wrighting (with both hemispheres) the way she & Noncorean gloated over Trish's traffic accident. I hope they find someone new soon.

So that's all there is today: Morlock. An Andy tweak of the faithful.

--Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

--Take 2 Abilify & call me in the mourning.

--& fuck Scientology.

--Yes, fuck Scientology.